Life's Little Talk
by spacecowqueen
Summary: Young Denzel is becoming a man, and he still hasn't had The Talk. Oh, what's an adoptive mother to do? Rated for mild cursing.
1. Birthday Party Part One

Yeah, another story. I just got bored really quickly with the other ones. This one will be different, though. Awkwardness is sure to ensue in this story, as everyone tries to give Denzel their own version of the birds and the bees talk. Just to clarify, this happens shortly after Advent Children, as most FF7 stories do lately. I don't really know how old Denzel is, so for the sake of this story, he's turning 13. Enjoy.

Summary: Young Denzel is becoming a man, and he still hasn't had "The Talk". Oh, what's an adoptive mother to do?

Disclaimer: All I own is an unhealthy obsession over Vincent.

Chapter 1: Birthday (Part One)

Tifa had a problem. Tifa had a BIG problem. Denzel, the child she and Cloud had adopted not long ago, was turning 13 today. Normally, that wouldn't be such a big deal. Kids turn 13 every day. But, alas, Denzel still hadn't received "The Talk". Tifa had stayed up the night before, trying desperately to think of a way to deliver said talk. Her thoughts were becoming more panicked with the recent discovery that Denzel had fallen for a classmate. And he had fallen HARD. Tifa was almost sure there was nothing to worry about, but then again…

Currently, she and Yuffie were setting up for the party that would be taking place in a few hours. Since it hadn't been very long since the events of Geostigma and the second Reunion, the other members of AVALANCHE decided to stick around and rent apartments in town. They all thought it was a good idea, since they hadn't seen each other for so long. But I digress. Tifa still had a problem.

"I just don't know what I'm going to do, Yuffie." Tifa sighed in exasperation, handing party hats to the young ninja next to her. She was moaning her dilemma to her since no one else was around to listen.

"I wouldn't worry about it too much, Tifa. I mean, chances are nothing's gonna happen between the little guy and his sweetheart. Take a look at his male role model for crying out loud." Yuffie replied, putting on one of the party hats and then grinning ridiculously at Tifa. Tifa giggled, knowing that Yuffie was referring to Cloud and his well-known oblivion to anything involving the opposite sex. Maybe it could be put off for a few more years.

"I hope you're right, Yuffie." Tifa said, retrieving plastic plates and plastic cups from the pantry. Birthdays are all about plastic, that way nothing had to be cleaned up.

"When are Barret and Cid coming back from cake shopping?" Yuffie inquired, her mouth practically drooling in anticipation of the on coming sugar high.

"They should be back soon. The bakery's right around the corner. It's too bad we couldn't have a home made cake, though." Tifa answered. It was at that moment that Barret and Cid returned to the 7th Heaven, looking mighty proud of themselves as they carried a long pink box. Yuffie dropped the party hats at once and rushed to their sides.

"Can I see it? Huh? Huh?" She squealed impatiently.

"Back off, ya raging crack head." Cid snapped, holding the box well above his head so that the hyperactive ninja couldn't reach it.

"Ha! We picked out the best damn cake you've ever seen!" Barret gloated, grinning from ear to ear.

"Then let's see it." Tifa suggested, walking over to the three of them. Cid raised the lid off the box and grinned along with Barret.

"So, ladies. What do you think?" Cid asked, watching their faces for their reactions. Yuffie's was one of disgust, and Tifa's was one of horror.

"Just what the hell kind of cake is that, you idiot?" Yuffie screeched, her ears turning a slight shade of red. Barret and Cid's faces fell considerably.

"…You don't like it?" They both asked at the same time.

"Of course not! There's a bare breasted woman on it for Leviathan's sake!" Yuffie carried on, pointing at the icing picture of said woman.

"Well, yeah. That's why it's the best cake ever!" Barret replied defensively. Tifa's face still held the expression of abject horror. She then snapped out of her stupor when she heard the pitter-patter of two pairs off feet running down the stairs. It was a funny thing, how children had the worst sense of timing. Tifa acted on impulse and smooshed the cake into Cid's chest. Cid looked down at himself and his left eye began twitching.

"…What in the hell was that for?" The pilot growled, still staring down at his shirt. Tifa grinned sheepishly and handed him a rag so he could clean himself up.

"Sorry." She apologized. Luckily she had reacted in time, so the children didn't see the obscene cake Barret and Cid had brought back with them. Denzel and Marlene stared between Tifa and Cid quizzically.

"…Why is Uncle Cid wearing my cake?" Denzel asked after a few awkward moments. Denzel had taken to calling the male members of AVALANCHE, with the exception of Cloud, uncle. He also referred to Yuffie as his aunt.

"Um…what cake?" Yuffie blurted the first thing that came to her mind. Cid sighed in annoyance and tossed the ruined cake into the trashcan nearby.

"I thought it was a frickin' gorgeous cake, myself." He muttered bitterly, attempting to wipe the frosting on his shirt off. However, he only succeeded in spreading it around.

"That wasn't YOUR cake, kiddo. That was… um… Cid's prescription cake." Barret lied, laughing nervously. Everyone in the room stared at him as though he had a materia lodged up his nostril. Only the sound of crickets chirping could be heard.

"What are you talking about, papa?" Marlene asked, beginning to question her father's mental stability.

"His doctor prescribed it. It works like aromatherapy. It's supposed to cure… his…" Tifa made up, trailing off at the end.

"Smoking problem." Yuffie finished for her. Cid played along by removing the ever-present cigarette from his lips and stomping on it.

"I'm cured!" He exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Yay!" Tifa, Yuffie, and Barret cheered in unison, throwing their hands up in the air also. Damn. They should give up the evil fighting career and become actors. Denzel and Marlene stared at them a moment longer before moving towards the door.

"Marlene and I are going to the park to meet some friends. Is that alright, Tifa?" Denzel asked, one hand already on the doorknob.

"That's fine. Just remember to be back in time for your party. And don't talk to any strangers, say no to drugs, AND LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING THE STREET!" Tifa had to scream out the door to them, for they had left as soon as Tifa said it was alright.

"Over protective much?" Cid muttered to Barret, retrieving another cigarette from the pack in his pocket.

"Well, I guess we should go get another cake, dammit. C'mon, Cid." Barret sighed, his shoulders slumping as he exited the 7th Heaven.

"Get a children appropriate cake this time, you losers!" Yuffie scolded before they slammed the door shut behind them. Tifa groaned and massaged her forehead as she felt a headache coming. Who knew planning a birthday party could be so draining?

"Okay. We're still waiting for a cake, Cloud and Vincent have yet to appear with the birthday presents, and Reeve, Cait Sith, and Red are still shopping around for party games. What now?" Yuffie asked Tifa.

"Well, I guess we should start preparing the food. Oy. I need a drink." Tifa muttered the last comment to herself as she walked behind the bar counter. Yuffie smiled to herself and busied herself with getting ingredients together to whip up something good.

About half an hour later, Cloud and Vincent walked into the 7th Heaven, their arms loaded with bags. Tifa had given them money and a list of what the other members of AVALANCHE wanted to give Denzel, and they did all the present shopping because everyone was doing something to help. Tifa turned around from the counter when she heard them come in.

"Hey you two. Did things go okay?" She asked them. A sudden glare from Cloud wiped the smile off her face.

"I dunno. Considering the fact that all the shopkeepers thought Vincent and I were gay and shopping for our love child, and the fact that we were mauled by girls of every shape and size, I think it went okay." Cloud answered sarcastically, leaning back in a chair after setting his bags on the table. Vincent grunted in agreement and sat down also. At that moment, Yuffie walked out of the kitchen.

"What happened to you guys? You looked like you were dragged along behind a truck." She commented, wrinkling her nose at their disheveled appearance. Cloud and Vincent both sent her a glare that caused her to cringe.

"Okay, okay. Geez." Yuffie sighed, rolling her eyes. She got the feeling she wasn't wanted and returned to the kitchen. Meanwhile, Tifa was getting Cloud and Vincent a couple of drinks. All day, she had avoided the topic of having a 'talk' with Denzel, but it had to come up sometime. And she figured now was a good time, since there weren't a whole lot of people around. She brought the two of them their drinks, and was surprised when they downed them in one go, and then held their empty glasses up for a refill. She chuckled to herself and sat down between them.

"Before the two of you get drunk, there's something I'd like to talk to you about, Cloud." She said, leaning on the table.

"Should I leave?" Vincent asked.

"No that's not necessary. You might be able to help, actually. You see, Denzel's getting to that age where he's starting to think about girls. And someone needs to have a talk with him." Tifa explained, drawing invisible circles on the table with her index finger. Vincent nodded in understanding, while Cloud looked bewildered.

"What are you talking about?" He questioned, his head cocked to the side to express his confusion. Tifa and Vincent gave him a deadpan look. Tifa's analysis had been correct. Cloud was indeed oblivious to just about anything that didn't involve a sword or Sephiroth.

"She means that Denzel will be reaching puberty very soon, and someone needs to discuss it with him." Vincent explained to the dense blond man.

"Oh… _Oh._" Cloud replied, his face quickly changing from confusion, to understanding, to embarrassment.

"So how should we go about it?" Tifa asked the swordsman. Cloud blushed and began to sweat under Tifa and Vincent's gazes. He was considering hiding under the table in an attempt to avoid them.

"I don't know! _I _barely even had the talk! All my mother said was 'Keep it to yourself, Cloud. Save it for a nice girl.'" Cloud whined uncharacteristically. And there was Tifa's answer to so many questions. She groaned and banged her head on the table. She looked up at Vincent with hopeful eyes through her bangs. He shook his head at her.

"Believe me. My talk was worse than that." He stated before she even had the chance to ask him to talk to Denzel. Tifa groaned again in defeat. She was never going to get through this. She could already feel the grey hair this was causing.

"Odin help me…" She muttered, dangerously close to falling asleep on the table.

"We're back!" Cait Sith announced loudly, perched on Red's back while wearing a sombrero. Cloud, Vincent, and even Tifa who managed to pick her head up off the table stared at him. Reeve was walking alongside Red, wearing a poncho with a piñata tucked under his arm.

"Hola!" Reeve greeted, with a huge smile plastered on his face.

"He's been talking in Spanish ever since we left the store. It's driving me crazy." Red stated wearily, crawling under a table and promptly going to sleep.

"Dónde está el chico de cumpleaños?" Reeve questioned, looking around the room. Tifa chose to ignore him, because she couldn't understand a word he said, and banged her head on the table again.

"You know, you really shouldn't do that." Vincent stated.

'_And you should let me do whatever the hell I want.'_ Tifa thought tiredly to herself. Man she needed some sleep. After this party and puberty thing was over, maybe she could get some sleep. She sat straight up and almost fell out of her chair backwards when a screech followed by a boom came from the kitchen. Everyone looked towards the kitchen to see smoke wafting out of it. Cloud ran over to it, fire extinguisher in hand, and let it loose in the kitchen.

"I'm not on fire, you idiot!" Yuffie shouted, barely heard over the fire extinguisher. Once Cloud was certain the non-existent fire was put out, he stopped blasting the kitchen with the foamy stuff. Yuffie walked out of the kitchen, covered in the white foamy stuff, her left eye twitching, much like Cid's had not too long ago.

"Are you okay, Yuff?" Cait Sith asked.

"Peachy keen. I'm gonna go take a shower." Yuffie replied through clenched teeth, trudging up the stairs. Tifa stood up from her chair and was on her way to go examine the damage done in the kitchen.

"Um, I don't think you want to do that, Tifa." Cloud suggested, holding onto her shoulders and glancing nervously over his shoulder at the ruined kitchen.

"Cloud, I'm in a foul mood. If you don't want to be less of a man than you are now, I suggest that you move." Tifa growled dangerously. Cloud whimpered and moved out of the way. Tifa walked into the kitchen and examined the destruction. That was the only way of describing it; utter destruction. Everyone outside the kitchen heard a thump when Tifa fainted on the spot.

"…I think she took it well." Cloud stated, scratching the back of his head.

Ha ha that was fun! I have a feeling this story is gonna be good! Tifa got kinda scary toward the end, huh? Kinda like me if I don't get a decent night's sleep… The next chapter will be the actual party, and after that, the gang will try to give Denzel "The Talk". I love doing that. Anyway, review and let me know what you think of it so far! Just click that little purple button down there! You know you wanna… Oh, and for the people who don't know Spanish, Reeve said "Hello" and then "Where is the birthday boy".


	2. Birthday Party Part Two

Oh my _gosh_, you guys. It's been so long since I first published this story, and I haven't updated it at all! I'm going to blame it on the fact that I'm a senior and need to concentrate on my studies; or else I'm screwed come May. Yeah…That sounds good.

Summary: Young Denzel is becoming a man, and he still hasn't had "The Talk". Oh, what's an adoptive mother to do?

Disclaimer: All I own is an unhealthy obsession over Vincent.

Chapter 2: Birthday (Part Two)

Tifa grumbled and knitted her eyebrows together. She had finally gotten some well-deserved rest, and some foul odor was bringing her out of it. She cracked her eyes open and saw Cloud dangling a sock in front of her face. She squeaked and scooted away from it.

"I told you that would wake her up. I think you need to see a doctor, man. Your feet aren't supposed to smell that bad." Cloud commented, tossing the sock back to Barret.

"Aw, shuddup." Barret muttered, putting it back on. Tifa suddenly became aware of where she was, and found herself on the floor of the 7th Heaven, with everyone back from their errands.

"What time is it?" She gasped, looking around desperately for a clock. She knew it had to almost be time for Denzel's party. Cid glanced at his watch.

"'Bout 15 minutes till the party starts." He answered.

"Shut _up_! Is everything set up? The food? The games? A decent cake?" Tifa panicked, just short of hyperventilating.

"Calm down, Teef. We took care of everything. We're not all _that_ hopeless, you know." Cloud chided jokingly.

"Are Denzel and Marlene back yet?"

"Um…"

So began a desperate hunt for Denzel and Marlene.

"Cloud, I can't believe you forgot about the kids!" Tifa shrieked over the rushing wind as she and Cloud sped through Edge on the Fenrir. The gang split up to search high and low for the kids.

"I didn't really _forget_, I just figured they'd wander back…" Cloud answered over his shoulder. Tifa resisted the urge to give him the Mother of all Purple Nurples. Her mother always warned her about guys like him… That and not to whistle while under water.

_"Marlene and I are going to the park to meet some friends. Is that alright, Tifa?"_

"Oh my gosh, Cloud, I know where they are! Go to the park!" Tifa ordered, wondering why she couldn't remember something so simple. Cloud glanced over his shoulder at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Tifa, I hardly think this is the time to play…" He stated. Tifa narrowed her eyes at him and poked his side.

"No, you dork. Denzel said they were going to meet some friends there." She replied.

"Ah." Cloud understood, turning the Fenrir so suddenly down a side road that Tifa was almost flung from it. The temporary fear of becoming a smear on the road was gone and replaced by fear for Denzel and Marlene. She had reminded them to be back for the party, so why hadn't they at least made their way back to the 7th Heaven? Oh, what if they were kidnapped?

'Not now, Tifa.' She told herself, forcing those unpleasant thoughts to the back of her head. They wouldn't get in trouble, not _her_ kids. Denzel was a very competent kid who could handle himself. Until he got into trouble. Oh boy…

"Yuffie, I highly doubt the children are here." Vincent drawled, standing behind the young ninja as she scanned the candy on the shelves. Naturally, her inner child suggested the candy store would be the most likely place for a child to be.

"You never know, Vince. Kids are hopelessly drawn to sugar." Yuffie stated matter-of-factly.

"You would know." Vincent muttered to himself, silently wishing he had gone with Red instead.

"Did you say something, Vincent?" Yuffie asked sweetly, turning around to look at him, a throbbing vein obvious on her forehead.

"How could you even suggest?"

Cid grumbled dejectedly as he stalked along the sidewalk beside Red. Red was equally displeased, having been in the middle of a very pleasant nap.

"This is why I hate kids." Cid commented. Red rolled his golden eyes.

"I mean, seriously, why do kids have to be such a pain. They do the exact opposite of what they're told, and …agh! Dammit I need a cig…" He whined, rubbing his eyes. He never was able to handle nicotine absence very well.

"Instead of complaining, why don't you start thinking? If you were a 13 year-old boy, where would you go?" Red asked, tiring of the man's bellyaching. Cid stroked his chin in thought. Then his face brightened up.

"I'd be at a magazine store looking at po- _plant_ magazines. Heh…" Cid masked his slip up. Not very well, but Red wasn't going to ruin it for him.

"I really don't think Denzel is the type of young man, especially since Marlene is with him, but let us check." Red sighed, letting Cid lead the way to a magazine store. He only hoped things were going better for the others.

"Cait, get down from there, ya damn moron!" Barret yelled up at the cat-toy perched on top of the monument in the square.

"Nae! Not until Ah find the lads!" Cait Sith chirped down at him. He raised his megaphone to his artificial lips and shouted at the top of his lungs.

"DENZEL! MARLENE! WHERE ARE YA?" Passers-by stopped to stare. If Barret had been lighter-skinned, they would have noticed the red creeping into his face.

"Fine, ya damn cat! I'm leaving! My baby needs me!" He shouted indignantly at the cat. Cait Sith gasped and immediately jumped down from the monument.

"No ya don't, bloke! You need me! Marlene can't help but home in on my cat charms, and will be here in no time! Just you wait!" Cait Sith declared. Barret gave him a pointed look and stormed away.

"Like hell." He muttered.

"Barret!" Cait Sith shrieked, scurrying after him.

Tifa and Cloud made it to the city park not much later. They parked the Fenrir and scanned the area for any kids. There were none.

"Oh my gosh my babies have been abducted!" Tifa wailed, very near hysterics now.

"Now, Teef, that's probably not the case. I bet they headed over to the 7th Heaven ages ago with their friends for the party." Cloud tried to reason with her.

"But then why hadn't we seen them on the way?" Tifa sniffed.

"This city's huge, Tifa. There's more than one way to take to get from here to the 7th Heaven." Cloud stated, putting his hands on his hips. How dare he look exhausted?

"Fine. If you're so sure in your theory, take me back to the 7th Heaven." Tifa countered, jabbing a finger in his muscular chest.

"Fine. Get on, you big baby." Cloud snickered, swinging a leg over Fenrir. He howled in pain when Tifa pinched the back of his arm.

Ah, but where was Reeve? Wasn't he helping with the search? Of course. He was…

…At the 7th Heaven being an immensely ineffective look out. He volunteered to be the lone look out, in case Denzel and Marlene came back while everyone was out. But, roughly 5 minutes after everyone left, he had fallen asleep, his head cradled in his arms. Unsurprisingly, that's exactly what happened. Denzel and Marlene walked into the 7th Heaven with a small group of friends in tow.

"…Some party." One of the kids scoffed. Denzel pouted. Marlene tiptoed over to Reeve and poked him. He squeaked and woke up almost instantly. He blinked in sleepy confusion and looked around at the several wide-eyed stares he was receiving.

"Where'd everyone go, Uncle Reeve?" Denzel asked him.

"Ellos están… Aw, forget it. They're out looking for you because you hadn't come back yet." Reeve explained, tired of the Spanish thing.

"When will they be back?" Denzel wondered. That was when Tifa burst dramatically through the door.

"Reeve, did the kids-Denzel! Marlene!" Tifa cut herself off, flinging her arms around Denzel and Marlene.

"We weren't gone that long, Tifa." Marlene giggled. Cloud lazed through the door after parking the Fenrir.

"Oh good, the kids are here." He commented, messing up Denzel's hair. Tifa narrowed her eyes at him.

"You didn't even notice they were still gone until I said something, you big blonde idgit." She stated accusingly. Cloud took a step back and a hand flew up to clutch his heart.

"Ouch! That hurt." He whined. One by one, the little search parties wandered back to the 7th Heaven. By now, no one wanted to throw a birthday party, favoring hard drinks instead.

"Alright, now that everyone's here, let's start this party!" Tifa cheered. Everyone gave her a dumb look and slumped down into chairs.

"Come _on_, you guys! You can chase a bad guy all the way around the Planet, but you can't even handle looking for a little kid in this little ol' city?" Tifa asked incredulously.

"We're gettin' old, Tifa." Cid grumbled, rubbing his back.

"Maybe you are, but the rest of us are in our prime." Tifa countered.

"Well excuse the hell out of me for bein' an old coot." Cid stated.

"You're family's weird…" One of the kids mumbled to Denzel. He blushed and nodded. Tifa glared at all the adults and put her hands on her hips.

"Fine. If you guys want to be like that, I'll just have to stop giving you all free drinks." She stated threateningly. The adults immediately shot up from their chairs and stood at attention. Tifa grinned.

"That's better." Wahaha. Power was indeed great.

Roughly an hour and a half later…

…Tifa had to cancel the party. As if the sudden thunderstorm wasn't bad enough, the members of AVALANCHE had somehow managed to bungle up every aspect of the party. The new cake Cid and Barret got had a stripper inside (Tifa was sure she was going to be hearing from angry parents sometime soon), all the food Yuffie made was some kind of spicy Wutainese food (from which the kids got stomach problems), Reeve, Cait Sith and Red had rented a mule for the party (which kicked some kids), and Cloud and Vincent were being no help at all, preferring to sit in dark corners and avoiding little kids.

After all the kids left, Tifa marched up to her room and locked herself inside.

"…I think we messed up." Barret commented.

"Ya think?" Yuffie replied sarcastically.

"Sorry we ruined your party, little guy." Cloud apologized to Denzel. Denzel was giggling every now and then, and trying to cover up a grin.

"Are you kidding? That was great! Well, except for the stomachaches and broken limbs. But other than that, it was a lot of fun! My friends all had fun too." He stated.

"Really? I guess we didn't do as bad as I thought we did. But Tifa's pretty upset. Who wants to have the honors of talking to her?" Cloud asked, looking around at everyone. They all immediately pointed at him.

"What! Why me?" He whined.

"Cuz you should be used to her tirades." Cid stated, pushing Cloud up the stairs.

"But I don't wanna!" He complained.

"March!" Yuffie commanded. Cloud sulked upstairs and knocked on Tifa's door.

"Teef? Are you-" He was interrupted by the door swinging open. Tifa pointed at him dramatically.

"YOU are going to give Denzel his talk!" She declared.

"W-what?"

Holy crap that was massively inferior to the first chapter… (Buries head in sand) I realized I didn't really know what I was going to do with the party, so I skipped it all together. Let me know if this chapter was a huge disaster like I think it was. And I know people are reading this. It's had 200+ hits since it was published, and only a small fraction of that actually reviewed! Was it just so terrible that it wasn't worth taking 5 seconds to tell me so? I need to know if I'm just wasting my time or not. Alright, I'm done complaining, so click that little purple button down there!


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